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Other
Did I make a mistake saying no?
I’m posting this just in case I’ve made a mistake. I (36F) have an elder brother (39M). He has been the golden child from the very moment he was born, and my parents, while taking care of me, kind of never acknowledged my existence. I’ve been on full scholarships since I can remember, and I started working at 15 to pay my little expenses. Once I graduated from high school, I came to this country to attend a very good college, on a full scholarship again, working part-time as always, and then I went to the university, on a full scholarship again, working part-time as always. I have a PhDr degree, I landed a very good job, and I work in the field I love and studied for. I married five years ago; we had a very small wedding. Only my mother’s sister attended; she is my godmother, she adores me, and I love her so much. I never came back to my country; I didn’t see the need. My parents didn’t care whether I was there or not; the plane tickets were expensive and, honestly, why would I want to go back where I wasn’t acknowledged or loved? In the meantime, my brother worked hard on his path to becoming a loser. He started three degrees, didn’t finish one; he got two girls pregnant, didn’t marry one; he cannot keep a job for the sake of him, and to this day, my parents help him pay the rent, my mother cooks for him, and quite often she does his laundry as well. I know that through my godmother. Imagine my shock when my mother called, out of the clear blue, and told me that my brother “needs a fresh start” and that I should sponsor him to come to this country. I was speechless. She said that he has had so bad luck in everything and that he is eager to have a new beginning. Then I got the illumination. I said, “Listen, mother, did he get a third girl pregnant?” and my mother didn’t answer, so I went on. “I assume this is a yes. And is she a minor this time?” My mother didn’t answer; I went on. “Another yes. So, he had sex with a minor, he got her pregnant, I imagine her family is not happy at all, maybe they reported him to the police… and here comes the new beginning!” My mother said, “You must sponsor your brother; he is ready for a fresh start”. I told my mother there is no way in hell I will ever sponsor him. I fought hard for having everything I have now without their help, I must add, I have been working since I was 15. I’ve been a straight-A student, a responsible kid; I am a responsible adult. He is nothing but a loser, and yet they still make excuses for him; they help him day in and day out, and they still think that the sun shines through his a**. My mother hang up on me, and this was the end of the story. Silence radio since, as usual. My godmother says that my brother may end up in jail, and this will destroy my parents. I still think that I cannot sponsor him; my husband agrees, but do you think I should, and I made a mistake saying no?
Other
What do I do?
This may seem banal to many of you, but it’s affecting me deeply, so there I go. My boyfriend (31M) and I (29M) have been dating for a year. Things are great; we are not living together yet, but we get along very well. He is from another country, and his parents and siblings live there. He has no plans of coming back at all, and he says that his family will come to visit whenever they can. And they did; they (his parents and the youngest sibling, 23M) have been here for a couple of weeks now. He is over the moon; they are living with him, and he kept his two weeks of holidays for showing them around, taking them to places, etc. He really enjoys having his family here, and I have nothing to say about that. Here is the thing: they come from a very rural area (it takes one whole day to get to the next regional airport, just to give you an idea) and their manners at the table are nonexistent, to the point that the first and only time we’ve shared a meal, I was about to gag all the time. It’s not their fault; it is a cultural thing, and I know that. My boyfriend improved his manners as soon as he came here, and he realized he was lacking, and he’s been living in this country for many years now, so this is no issue at all. On the other hand, I was raised in a family where manners at the table were, and are, extremely, extremely important. Manners at the table are written in stone in our minds, my siblings’ and mine. I am not sure whether I can share another meal with them. So far, the excuse of work shifts and long hours has worked very well, but I know it will be weird if I don’t join them at all during weekends. I don’t want to think about the future; I will worry when it comes. Right now I’m worried about next Saturday’s lunch! Part of me wants to say that I’m sick; part of me wants to take as many weekend shifts as I can, so I would have the perfect excuse and I wouldn’t be lying, and part of me wants to tell my boyfriend what’s going on upright, but I don’t want to upset him, or that he thinks I think less of his family, which is not true at all. What do I do?
Teens
Should I tell my friends Im not going to their party?
So, my friends are throwing this big party next weekend, and I don't really want to go. I've been feeling super tired and drained lately, and I don't think I'm in the mood for a bunch of people I barely know. Plus, I've been trying to focus on myself a little more, and this feels like a distraction. On the other hand, I don't want to seem like I'm avoiding them or anything-I just don't want to lie either. I've been going to all their events lately, but I'm starting to think maybe I need to set some boundaries. What do you think? Should I just tell them I'm not feeling it, or should I go and try to have fun even if I don't feel like it?
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Other
What do I do?
This may seem banal to many of you, but it’s affecting me deeply, so there I go. My boyfriend (31M) and I (29M) have been dating for a year. Things are great; we are not living together yet, but we get along very well. He is from another country, and his parents and siblings live there. He has no plans of coming back at all, and he says that his family will come to visit whenever they can. And they did; they (his parents and the youngest sibling, 23M) have been here for a couple of weeks now. He is over the moon; they are living with him, and he kept his two weeks of holidays for showing them around, taking them to places, etc. He really enjoys having his family here, and I have nothing to say about that. Here is the thing: they come from a very rural area (it takes one whole day to get to the next regional airport, just to give you an idea) and their manners at the table are nonexistent, to the point that the first and only time we’ve shared a meal, I was about to gag all the time. It’s not their fault; it is a cultural thing, and I know that. My boyfriend improved his manners as soon as he came here, and he realized he was lacking, and he’s been living in this country for many years now, so this is no issue at all. On the other hand, I was raised in a family where manners at the table were, and are, extremely, extremely important. Manners at the table are written in stone in our minds, my siblings’ and mine. I am not sure whether I can share another meal with them. So far, the excuse of work shifts and long hours has worked very well, but I know it will be weird if I don’t join them at all during weekends. I don’t want to think about the future; I will worry when it comes. Right now I’m worried about next Saturday’s lunch! Part of me wants to say that I’m sick; part of me wants to take as many weekend shifts as I can, so I would have the perfect excuse and I wouldn’t be lying, and part of me wants to tell my boyfriend what’s going on upright, but I don’t want to upset him, or that he thinks I think less of his family, which is not true at all. What do I do?
Other
Did I make a mistake saying no?
I’m posting this just in case I’ve made a mistake. I (36F) have an elder brother (39M). He has been the golden child from the very moment he was born, and my parents, while taking care of me, kind of never acknowledged my existence. I’ve been on full scholarships since I can remember, and I started working at 15 to pay my little expenses. Once I graduated from high school, I came to this country to attend a very good college, on a full scholarship again, working part-time as always, and then I went to the university, on a full scholarship again, working part-time as always. I have a PhDr degree, I landed a very good job, and I work in the field I love and studied for. I married five years ago; we had a very small wedding. Only my mother’s sister attended; she is my godmother, she adores me, and I love her so much. I never came back to my country; I didn’t see the need. My parents didn’t care whether I was there or not; the plane tickets were expensive and, honestly, why would I want to go back where I wasn’t acknowledged or loved? In the meantime, my brother worked hard on his path to becoming a loser. He started three degrees, didn’t finish one; he got two girls pregnant, didn’t marry one; he cannot keep a job for the sake of him, and to this day, my parents help him pay the rent, my mother cooks for him, and quite often she does his laundry as well. I know that through my godmother. Imagine my shock when my mother called, out of the clear blue, and told me that my brother “needs a fresh start” and that I should sponsor him to come to this country. I was speechless. She said that he has had so bad luck in everything and that he is eager to have a new beginning. Then I got the illumination. I said, “Listen, mother, did he get a third girl pregnant?” and my mother didn’t answer, so I went on. “I assume this is a yes. And is she a minor this time?” My mother didn’t answer; I went on. “Another yes. So, he had sex with a minor, he got her pregnant, I imagine her family is not happy at all, maybe they reported him to the police… and here comes the new beginning!” My mother said, “You must sponsor your brother; he is ready for a fresh start”. I told my mother there is no way in hell I will ever sponsor him. I fought hard for having everything I have now without their help, I must add, I have been working since I was 15. I’ve been a straight-A student, a responsible kid; I am a responsible adult. He is nothing but a loser, and yet they still make excuses for him; they help him day in and day out, and they still think that the sun shines through his a**. My mother hang up on me, and this was the end of the story. Silence radio since, as usual. My godmother says that my brother may end up in jail, and this will destroy my parents. I still think that I cannot sponsor him; my husband agrees, but do you think I should, and I made a mistake saying no?
Other
Should I host my friends or not?
I would love knowing what you guys think of my situation. Me (F38) and my husband (M40) have a big house, with much yard, greenhouse, workshop and swimming pool. The pool is fenced, but can be easily opened on three points of the fence. We have also two dogs, peaceful and people friendly. We don’t have kids by choice, we both are extrahappy with our decission and family and close friends respect us. Here comes the situation: we are friends with three couples that have 3, 2 and 2 kids, all of them under 6. Lately they have been commenting how fun it would be a barbecue at our house, with the kids and all. We tried to delay it, kind of “this month we are really busy”, but they have been insisting, so finally I said “listen, guys, our house is not childproof, at all. The greenhouse and the workshop are not childproof either, and neither is the swimming pool. Besides, we have 2 dogs that we don’t know if they are kidfriendly because they have never been around kids; I would be devastated if something would happen to any of the kids, so we rather not do it”. They insist they all are helicopter parents, the kids will never be left alone, etc. But I know better. I know how easily is to get caught in an interesting adult conversation, having a moment of relax after watching kids the whole day, week, month, year long. And in this friggin’ moment, one of the kids opens the fence and all of them jump in, or another one decides that pulling the dog tail is a good idea, or another one decides to explore the workshop and climb a ladder, etc. “If you don’t want trouble, stay away from it”, this is my motto, but my friends don’t seem to understand. Should I be more taxative and firmly said “we are not doing it, we don’t want to take any risk with small children and that’s it, guys”? I know they will say we are greedy, and we don’t want to share (some insinuations have been already said) etc, but I don’t give a shit, what I don’t want is a drowned kid in my pool, or an injured kid, or a bitten kid. Will I be TAH if I plainly refuse to host them?